Thursday, September 25, 2014

I really don't have anything clever to call this... here we go.

Lately, I have been feeling like my house is a metaphor for my life. It is cluttered, cramped, disorganized, unruly. There is ALWAYS something I have lost, and no matter how hard I try, no matter how many days I work until I am cranky & exhausted, I can't get it together or stay on top of it.

Y'all, I have HAD IT with losing things. And losing random things. We have 1/2 of any number of toys of the kids', we have 6 out of 9 gears for Baby J's gear toy. I have 1 out of a  set of 2 shirts. I can't find my senior pictures, the folders where the 2013 financial information is, the ticket stubs from the first football game of the season.
It fills me with an angry resolve-a "fuck this, fuck that, I am going to FIND this shit if it fucking kills me" sort of resolve. And I walk around angry, grouching at anybody who makes the mistake of talking to me. Things always appear, they always have, but the process is an angry one.

And of course, spending time cleaning, organizing, tidying, sorting, etc. being the neverending process, I think about how much time I am spending with Baby J. Enough? I think so. I feed him and play with him and do stuff with him. Take him places. But always that fraction of Mommy-guilt creeps in... "am I doing enough?"

Then of course I remember Alex & Bub being babies. I worked nights when Alex was a baby so I spent all day with her. I didn't work when Bub was a baby so I got to be home with him. I remember taking care of him, but not playing with him as much as I remember playing with Alex or the way I play with J now. Let me tell you... thank God for digital photography. I have thousands of pictures of my kids in all stages of life-and I can look at them any time I want to. So little effort, so little time spent in order to have the pictures... having a digital camera and a computer to look at the pictures is one of the technological advances I am really and truly grateful for.

(Let me interject here-if you don't already... BACK UP YOUR DATA!! It takes no time at all to burn a DVD or copy things onto a thumb drive.)

Hmm... where to next? Money. Money sucks, y'all. If you didn't know that Jason lost his job in May, well... he did. It appears they replaced him while he was out on FMLA and then when he came back afterwards, found "reasons" to write him up and summarily fire him. Fair? No. Right? No. Did they do it anyway? Yes. So we have been subsisting on unemployment compensation for the last 4 months. Comes to a whole whopping $13000 a YEAR. Do the math. It is by the grace of God and knowing our landlord well that we still have a roof over our heads. He is a blessing. He's a jerk and I complain about his lack of doing ANYTHING, but he's a blessing now, so I guess I oughta shut the hell up. We have just enough to squeak by-my parents have helped us with big things-and for that I am grateful and blessed. I will never be able to repay them in their lifetime unless we win the lottery, so I hope they will be satisfied watching us pay it forward and take care of our children if and when they need us.

To wit... we have decided that if our financial situation does not incur a drastic change by the beginning of 2015 we are moving. Away. We can keep just existing here, squeaking by, providing a mediocre life for our children. We have to do more, do better, be better so they can be better.

I am tired of being good, feeling like I am trying to do good, being honest, forthright, helpful, productive in my own way, etc., just to feel like the universe is continually shitting on us. Enough is enough. I am tired of the light at the end of the tunnel being an oncoming train.

Monday, August 4, 2014

Horrible People

There are some horrible people in this world. And I'm not talking scary-horrible (Hitler, Bin Laden), but just regular, run-of-the-mill horrible. The people that know they are bad people-mean, rude, self-righteous, self-serving and they don't care. The people who always have to be having a worse situation, day, week, month, LIFE than anybody else-and whenever someone else says something about a tough situation they are going through, these horrible people have to chime in with the thousand ways their lives are more awful / disturbing / time consuming / difficult / draining, etc.

(I give some leniency to horrible people that either are aware of it and trying to change or those people who are oblivious and don't know they're being horrible)

But this is about those folks we all encounter that make you turn away and go "good Lord, you are a bad person!"

A few days ago, I reposted one of those meme-things that said something about how bad it is to be right about someone being a bad person; but the person has everybody else snowed, so you are the only one who knows how truly bad the person is and you tell people, who don't believe you and then you later spend a lot of time telling people "I told you so." This goes with that.

In the following (dangling participle), I put the word "friend" in quotations thusly, because the person to whom I'm referring is incapable of really being a friend. She is friendly to people only as far as it serves her own purposes, and then only on the surface. When she is done with you, she makes no bones about cutting off communication without a second thought or an explanation, and also has no problem tearing you apart to anybody who will listen.

One of my good friends posted earlier that she was having a tough time with something. A "friend" of hers commented on it and rather than just give support, went on for quite a while about her own personal issue, and concluded the comment with "well I'm sorry I just clogged your feed with my own personal drama, but...". The HELL you are. Here's the thing about making a comment like that on someone's post on something like FaceBook-if you realize what you did, and you are truly sorry, there's this little button in the upper right corner of the "qwerty" section of your keyboard... its called BACKSPACE. How about you F'n use it?!? But no... because that would be the right thing to do and wouldn't give you any room to emphasize the ways your life is more terrible than anybody else's, and the stuff you have gone through is worse than anything anybody else has gone through. And here's another newsflash, Sweetcheeks... maybe your life is SO much more terrible and difficult and draining than anybody else's because of the choices YOU made and the things you brought on yourself. But wait... that couldn't be it... because nothing is ever your fault.

My continuing hope is that either she stops being a horrible person (not likely) or the rest of the folks she has snowed realize what a horrible person she is and she doesn't get anymore of a chance to hurt anybody else with her behavior.

Sunday, June 30, 2013

Things I Don't Understand... Part 1

Since I have alluded to it a few times here lately, I think I will elaborate on the things I don't understand. You'll thank me later.

So here we go. I don't understand...

1. How these damn cats can meow so much and not have sore throats.

2. How people who have noisy, barking, yipping, obnoxious dogs are not aware of the level of noise these animals make. Courtney, here's a shout-out to you & Julio. I have to give it to you for tolerating it, I would've called the police or animal control a LONG time ago.

3. How people who have to be on Oxygen for breathing difficulties continue to smoke. Isn't this sort of distracting from the purpose of being on the Oxygen? Where do you think the C.O.P.D. came from to begin with, genius?

4. Misogynistic "gangsta rap" and the folks who listen to it, thinking it is okay to behave like the "artist" who is propagating it.

5. Some folks' moral compass, or lack there of. Right is right, wrong is wrong, and it is wrong to try and make other folks change their opinion because you think you're right and they're wrong. Maybe its the other way around... maybe they're right and YOU'RE wrong. However (comma) if you're one of those folks who try and influence folks to think how you do regardless, you're not likely to care who is really right and really wrong so long as everybody is made to think that you're right. Wait, what?

6. People who are two-faced and / or those who lie all the time. And this includes lying by omission. How can you tell one person one thing and either tell somebody else something completely different or "forget" to mention it to that person? Do you forget who you told what to?
I'll be the first to admit it-I'm a baaaaad liar. That's why you always get the truth from me, sometimes regardless of if you asked for it.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Narcissism & Sociopathy

Okay, so this is going to start with my copying and pasting the link I found from the "Profile of the Sociopath". It just seems so suited to... someone...
Particularly; "They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely and instrument to be used. They dominate and humiliate their victims. Instead of friends they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way."

Earlier, a few of you were following along my loose rants about Madame Moo Cow and buying Lizzie's plane tickets to come down to Alabama. I have copied the emails here so you have the full story. The more reasonable I am, and the more I rationalize things for/with her, the less she talks and the ruder she gets. I know she's mad and going to be a royal bitch to everybody that crosses her path for the rest of the day and has likely already blown me out to her boyfriend and her mother. She won't tell them the conversation, just that I was being "an unreasonable bitch" and I'm "trying to make everything SO hard on her." Haha, she just doesn't get up my nose the way I get up hers, and is it wrong of me that I sorta do it on purpose... ?

Per Jason's request and recommendation I am writing you this morning to "discuss" Lizzie's tickets with you. It was entirely too much to text.
I have found tickets for her, which I am going to buy this Friday. I know we had previously discussed a few things when it comes to buying tickets for her; that you would prefer me to buy them round trip all at once, rather than one way at a time and also that you would prefer her to be on non-stop flights or flights where it stops, but she doesn't need to change planes. 
At this time, those two things are in direct contradiction to something you & Jason had previously discussed; that the girls had to fly out of either Hartford or Providence. 
I can get Lizzie on a round trip flight, from Manchester, NH to Nashville, TN from the start of July to the start of August. There is a plane change going back, but coming down to Alabama its just a stop. I did some research on the Manchester airport, and from what I understand, it is only 20 minutes further away than driving to Hartford/Windsor Locks. It is also easy to get to from the road and the check-in/boarding process is easy as well.
Let me know what you want me to do; I know you prefer her to be on a non-stop and to have the round trip purchased all at once but without flying her out of Manchester, that's not going to be feasible.

1st I guess for this ONE TIME ONLY I’ll concede to the Manchester NH airport. In the future, this will not be acceptable.
2nd Elizabeth CANNOT under any circumstances change planes without assistance. This is non-negotiable. She is scared enough of having to fly alone for the first time, let’s not toss a plane change  in there too.
3rd I want actual dates, There were dates that we had agreed on. I want to know those dates that you are planning  on ( I know I offered a bit of flexibility on the return date, but it HAS to fall on a weekend) and no, that does not mean you can keep her an extra week, just to suit your wallet

I can see not doing the Manchester airport again in the future if it is a clusterf*ck and hard to get to; but if it is actually easier than Hartford or Providence, I don't see why you wouldn't want to keep doing it. We don't enjoy driving to Nashville, necessarily, but it is easier than Birmingham to get in and out of and easier to navigate in general.
If she flies Southwest, which is what I am looking at, she will have all the assistance she needs. All she will have to do is ask for it. I have already discussed this with her. Contradictory to what you say, it IS and shall remain negotiable. You & Jason never made any stipulations otherwise that she couldn't/wouldn't be changing planes.
By the way, she didn't seem that scared when she and I discussed it. Perhaps if it was discussed on that end from a calm, reasonable and "see how easy this is" point of view, it would assuage her anxiety. When the tickets are purchased, you can look at the airport maps/terminals and explain to her about what to do if/when she changes planes; how find the monitors that show her next flight, that sort of thing. Explain to her how to go up to the ticket counter, talk about how she is flying alone and ask someone to help her. Southwest agents are EXTREMELY accommodating.
I was looking at July 01 to August 06, which are the dates we had previously agreed on.

We initially agreed on her flying out the SAME DAY that Mellissa would have been returning. Which is the 29th, NOT the 1st.  I cannot get her to the airport on the 1st. perhaps you should have looked that up. We agreed on her flying out the SAME DAY Mimi would have flown back, not the first.  Do I need to repeat it again?

Well now that Mimi isn't flying, its rather a moot point, isn't it?
Your only stipulation to Jason was that if Lizzie was to be flying during the week you needed two weeks notice to accommodate that scheduling. Your words. 
Would you like me to reforward you the email back?

Whatever, Do what you’re going to do. It’s not like anything I say will make a difference anyway.  FYI, the reason that Manchester is not an option going forward, is that it’s an additional 40 miles away

What you say would make a difference if you were actually being reasonable and caring about anybody but yourself. However, your narcissism prevents that from being the case.
And Manchester, while further away in miles, it only takes an extra 15-20 minutes to get there. Again, if it is easier, why not spend the extra time in the car for an easier, better experience?
You were the one that had to put the stipulation in about flying in and out of only Hartford/Providence. Jason could've done the same and said that the girls could only fly in and out of Huntsville, to make it equidistant for us in drive and time. But he is not unreasonable and didn't see the need to do that. We understand that their flying in and out of Nashville might be cheaper and since we knew a time would come when you (or your parents, more so) would be buying tickets for their flights, he didn't put that in. I don't understand why you wouldn't continue to "concede" to something that makes it easier on us, thereby saving us money and making a better time for Lizzie while she's here. You can't profess to want the best for Lizzie and then make things harder on Jason which will trickle down to make things harder on her.
I really hope that in the future you become less selfish and start to care about how your actions and manipulations impact others. Otherwise you will continue to have a very shallow, lonely life, for the rest of your life.

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

This chick puts the "D" in Douchecanoe...

She made the mistake of asking what I thought of her... the first thing I thought was, "I could tell her. That'd be fun." That was immediately followed by "no, I promised I'd be nice." So I didn't say what I wanted to, which was "you're a self-centered, self-important, posturing, snobby, fronting, self-concerned, self-involved worst supervisor I have ever had. You don't care what you have to do to make yourself look good and seem better than everybody else. You preach to be a Christian but sure don't act like it. Lets not forget you're rude, disrespectful, disorganized, clueless and unprofessional." I didn't say it, but shiiiiiiiiiiit... I wanted to.

It all came to a head today because she asked me what I thought of her, and the stuff with the meeting minutes, but I'll get to that in a minute (ha!). When she asked, I simply said, "because of the conversation I had earlier about this, in which I promised to be nice, I respectfully decline to answer that question." So I didn't answer it. But like I said, I sure wanted to.

Back in February, we had a treatment team meeting, during which time she made her feelings about some things known. So in the minutes for the meeting I put "she feels that our policy on such-and-such needs to be more clearly documented." When I presented the minutes to her to check off on, she took them from me and later that day told me she had placed a paragraph document in my folder on the network that stated how she wanted me to change the minutes. It was a long, drawn out piece of nonsense to replace my two sentences. In it she postured about what had been "said, not felt" and how she had discussed it with the senior counselors and such-and-such was reached and she did this-and-that as the supervisor. I thanked her for her input and sought out the advice of the program director, who said that I should just leave the minutes as they are, because I wrote down what was said, and felt, and there was nothing wrong with that. I let it go. Today, it came back up because she asked me to recopy meeting minutes for her to put in the counselor supervision charts. Mind you, I had already done this, so her asking me to go back and recopy the notes from January on, means she lost them. Anyway, that's neither here nor there; today when I gave her the copies of the minutes she asked me why I hadn't changed them as she'd asked. I said, "because I had a conversation with YOUR supervisor, who told me to leave them as I had written them." She asked how come she hadn't been told, I said I didn't know and figured that was that. She said something about how she just really wanted them changed, I said I wasn't going to, because I wasn't going to change the words to make her look good. I don't remember what she said then, but it got my hackles up and she said "you know Mel, you can really drop the attitude." I told her I would when she did.
When we met with the director, she accused me of trying to make her look bad by not changing it to her words which would make her look good. I told her "no ma'am, I am doing no such thing. There is a difference." She said there wasn't, they were opposite, if you don't look good you look bad. I attempted to argue, but let it go. I was winning on the meeting issue.

So then we went on to meet with the program director, who said that he wanted us to talk about what issues we're having, so she talked and I... tried. But I couldn't get a word in edgewise, so I finally gave up. I was asked several times if I had anything else to say and I just said no, that it wasn't worth it. That's one of those things that she does. Reminds me of this:
"Knock knock"
"Who's there?"
"Interrupting Cow"

Now... lets move on to the way she parks her car. At work, on one side of the building, we have a parking space, a non-space in front of which is our HVAC stuff, a space marked "reserved for Medical Director" and several spaces to the right. She parks in either the non-space or the space for the doctor. Last week, one of my coworkers, J, had to park to the left of this chick's car. But this chick had her car so far over in the non-space, that J 's car was out in the drive a little bit. We were all worried that she would get clipped, so we had J move her car. We talked about it with this chick, including telling her it was a non-space, and she replied, "well, I've been parking there all week." I said, "that doesn't make it right." But, she doesn't care. She is going to do what she wants to do and that is the end of that.
Today she was again in the non-space. I parked in the space to the left, and all the way in the lines, correctly. The right side of my truck, however, was so close to the left side of her car that should have had to leave before me, she couldn't have. And I would've loved to have her ask me to move my car. Ummm... NO!

She also feels that she should be involved in every decision made and has to know what folks are doing down to the very last second. She was snarky and rude to me today about a meeting when she called-she said "are you even going to BE here for it?" I said "yes, why wouldn't I be?" She said, "I don't know." I asked her afterwards if all of that was about my having left early yesterday and not told her and she said it was. I said that I was terribly sorry, I had received a call from the school nurse about my sick child and I didn't have time to find her. She wasn't in her office, so I told the program director and I left. I doubt she honestly cared yesterday that I wasn't there, she was just pissed that I hadn't taken the time to chase her down all over the clinic to tell her that I had an emergency and had to leave five minutes ago.

This chick is one of those that looks for "help" and back up to what she thinks, but only until you don't agree with her. As soon as you disagree with what she has to say and doesn't matter if you're right or not, she becomes rude and ugly and has thrown staff out of her office. Case in point; she didn't know how to do something (after working there for six months) and asked for help. My coworker, L, told her the right way to do it. I supported L and said that was correct. Well, it wasn't what this chick wanted to hear, because it wasn't what she thought would happen. So again, off to the program director she went. She was VERY loud, blowing L up, talking about her being rude and insubordinate and all of this other nonsense. L was right and this chick was wrong. So immediately she spun it around to be something else to make L look bad.

Doesn't that kind of behavior just crawl your ass? As soon as someone is proven to be wrong, or they're not getting the kind of bullshit reinforcement they are looking for, they turn the conversation around spin it so "that's not really what I was talking about" and "okay, but the REAL issue is this", in order to make themselves look better and the other person look bad.

Lets move on to insecurity, shall we? During the conversation today with the program director, we were told that we didn't have to be friends, but we had to be respectful of each other and work well together for the next 7 days. This chick said, "well, I don't need any more friends. I have more friends than I can count. I actually need to get rid of some, I think."
SERIOUSLY?!? Who SAYS that?!?

I won't even get started on her when it comes to church and religion and such; other than to say that she's one of "those" folks. Today, when I said in our meeting that what I had to say didn't matter, she asked why. I said, "because after next Friday, I'll never see you again in my entire life." She said, "I don't know, the Lord works in mysterious ways." Really? Did you just bring God into it?

So after the meeting with the program director wasn't going the way she wanted it to, she started talking about how "the other counselors come into her office and complain about Mel G". Really? According to her the clients are upset about this-and-that I'm doing, including the way I'm dressed. Is she absolutely SURE the clients are complaining about the way I'M dressed? I'm not the one who is wearing inappropriately tight dresses and having my cleavage all hanging out to there and back. I may wear yoga pants and t-shirts some days, but at least I'm covered and nothing is inappropriately tight.

Next, are we all familiar with those "Real Housewives" shows? Well this chick is part of one down here called "Bama Wives". It premiered on one of our local channels some weeks ago. Totally inappropriate for viewing while we're at work with clients in the building, right? Didn't stop her. It was on TV in our main lobby with a crowd of staff people around it, watching her and her friends make asses of themselves. In my opinion, she, as the clinical supervisor, should've noted the inappropriateness of the show and kept the staff from watching it. But what do I know?

Last but not least... she is SO full of herself that she thought that something she said to me about "keeping positive" and "not having a negative outlook" is what is making the difference right now in my being able to stop working and stay home with Bubs. Some months ago, the counselors were getting take-out for lunch (which is a multi-time-a-week occurrence). She asked me if I wanted to get something and I said no, I didn't have money. I said that if we were going to do take-out then I was going to wait and we'd do it with the kids, together as a family, that I just didn't have the money for lunches out. She told me to not be so negative, that I "wouldn't always be that poor" and I had to think positively about my situation.
So now that I am able to stay home with Bub, she just KNOWS its because of what she said to me, that her positive, encouraging words made the difference and that's why I am able.
SERIOUSLY?!? How much more full of herself can she possibly get?!?

So, can I share with y'all the absolute WORST part?!?

You ready?

Her name is...


Sunday, August 5, 2012

Family, Food, Finances & Fun

Where to begin? My title wasn't really that good and may not necessarily be indicative of what I have to say, but I couldn't think of anything better. And the title fairly well sums up my life on any given day-my family, who's eating what when, the financial aspect of life (especially here lately) and the fun we have...

It has been a week of good news-my friend Nora and her husband Josh found a new house in North Carolina. They are getting transferred there from Beaumont, CA (what a change!) and were out house hunting. Beautiful home-I hope they will be very happy there!

Jason & I started thinking about vacations for the kids and we were going to take them on one for their Spring break in March 2013... but after doing the planning and everything we have discovered that there is too much to do in the time that would be allotted to us! So we are going to wait until summer of 2013 and take them right when they get out of school. Its a surprise for them-and I'm not mentioning it anywhere in a public forum. If you want to know, private message me or text me. Keeping it hush-hush; lets see if we can do it for a year, shall we?

I posted on FaceBook earlier about listening to certain music that you love, but shouldn't listen to, because of the effect it has on your brain. Y'all know what I'm talking about?
For me, its anything by Sponge. It makes me restless-makes me want to travel, to move; it makes me almost unhappy with my life, the things in it and where I'm living it.
I don't know what the connection is, but its somewhat annoying-usually I am very happy with my life, the things in it and where we live it.
Today I started wondering if I have been barking up the wrong tree lately. I had started looking at/applying for jobs in other parts of the country; wondering if maybe there is more opportunity there than here. But most of those are coming up dead ends. I got a couple of nibbles before, but that was all they were. Little nibbles. Nothing helpful.
Jason has a potential line on some stuff through his work-room for advancement and all like that. Maybe even transferring to Huntsville. I might could live in Huntsville... I've always really liked the city. My favorite thing- I love the view of the mountains when you first come in to Huntsville on 72.

We saw a house the other day that had three bedrooms. I think it is going to turn out to be a little rich for our blood... The house itself is a little small; and I think we would still be cramped.

We saw a house just yesterday that  has an interesting story...

A few weeks ago, Roger came to us and said he had a friend who's brother had a house for rent on the corner of Smith Street here in Florence. Said he'd been trying to sell it, but it had sorta gone to pot and wanted someone to fix it up for  reduced rate. We found what we thought was the house and looked at the outside. Not bad.
Roger talked to his friend and it turns out it wasn't the house he thought it was. The one his friend's brother is selling is on another part of Smith Street.
So today, Roger went to the house we were looking at originally and started nosing around. The next-door neighbor came out and asked him what he was up to, so he explained the situation. They had an extra key and let him & Jason in to look around.
Turns out the owner has been trying to sell the house, but took a teaching job in Oklahoma and has been living there for the last two years. The yard has gotten overgrown, there's trash in the garage and the storage building, the pool(!) is all  yucky & slimy. Also, it needs a new central air unit.
Those are the downsides.
The upsides-it has a beautiful kitchen with a breakfast nook, 4 bedrooms, 2 1/2 bathrooms, a playroom and an indoor laundry room.
It needs some cleaning on the inside, but it was really nice-I was impressed with how few dead bugs there were (after apparently being shut up for 2 years) and how good it smelled.
It is sort of a raised-ranch style; the kitchen and living room are on one level, you go up 1 step to two bedrooms and a bathroom; and on the other side of the house, up half a flight to two bedrooms and a bathroom. At the same place you go up half a flight, you can go down half a flight into a finished basement room. Behind that room is a laundry room with more storage. I like the indoor-laundry thing, as well as the enclosed room that's underground. Safety.
The yard has a gazebo-thing and the aforementioned pool.

Next-for anybody who didn't know; Mimi is currently away at Diabetes Camp, but she will be coming home on the 14th. Home. To Alabama. I'll save the long ugly story from here; but it was.
Jason still has to go to court for Lizzie, but we think that one's in the bag as well; given that a) we already have Mimi and b) apparently Becky's had some not-so-savory activities here recently. The courts don't like to separate blood siblings, either. We're not worried.

So what else? I have decided that as of tomorrow, I'm jumping back on the exercise bandwagon. I have a Denise Austin DVD that sounds good and I'm going to once-again give up drinking soda. Other dietary changes to follow... it should be somewhat easier with Mimi back here. Unlike some folks, we try to tailor our meals around what she can & can't have. We're also going to be working on portion control.

Love to all Who's, near & far...

Saturday, April 14, 2012

I think... therefore I have a headache...

"Childhood is not from birth to a certain age and at a certain age, the child is grown and puts away childish things. Childhood is the kingdom where nobody dies." -Edna St Vincent Millay

So how does this apply to every day life? As parents, are we fully aware of our children's childhood? Aware to the point that they are having a good childhood regardless of what we have for them to do or the way we push them in school/sports/home? I personally enjoy reverting back to my "childhood" when I play with my kids-granted, their toys are a hell of a lot cooler, but I still have some of my old toys and I share that with them. My big girls were gifted all of my Barbies & Barbie stuff (with the exception of two dolls and a handful of clothes) and Alex was gifted my My Little Pony stuff (with the exception of a couple of things). I still have my Dream Dancer and my Baby Skates, and yes, I enjoy playing with them from time-to-time, thank you very much.
When you play with your kids and/or with their toys, does it make you feel like you're young again? Like you'll "never" get old and die?

First, a bit of family-type news.
Bub seems to have stalled on the potty-training, but that's as much our fault as it is his. We're not very strict with him about it.
Alex is playing soccer and loving it! She is doing well, too. Both Mimi & Liz played soccer, so there must be something in those Garner genes.
Lizzie got glasses, but you'd have to be blind (excuse the pun) to have not seen that one coming!
Mimi got an insulin pump; her start date is May 07. I still have mixed feelings about this.

I'm looking forward to this being a somewhat relaxing weekend-last weekend was ridiculously busy so I'm hoping this weekend is the antithesis of that. Although it already started with a run to Home Depot at 8am because Jason went outside to see why the dryer wasn't working and lo & behold, discovered a bird's nest in the air hose. We also needed a new toilet seat because *somebody* cracked the old one. Jason is currently at Thornton Chrysler getting the new tires put on the truck.

Rant one-I have no problem with people who need to use medication to encourage their weight loss... but you're sorta missing the point if that's the first place you go, and you continue to eat the way you did before you started taking the medication. Change your eating habits, get some exercise... if absolutely none of that works, then try a medication if you need to... but ffs, don't keep eating the way you always did while taking the medication. Any doctor worth his salt won't keep you on it forever and if you haven't learned any healthy habits you will balloon right back up again, dumbass.

Rant two-I'm sick of people's stupid excuses. If you forgot something, say that... don't make excuses for why you didn't do it. Or, if you forgot because it isn't that important to you, say that... again, don't make dumb excuses and apologies. Just be honest, ffs.

Rant three-Having things "conveniently work out" so that you look like you care oh-so-much more than you do. You got fuckin' lucky. Don't make it any more than that, because it isn't, dammit.

Rant four-Leopards don't change their spots. Want different spots? Find a different leopard.

Rant five-Serial "like"-ers on FaceBook... especially those who continually "like" things of their friends with whom they no longer have a real relationship. I'm not talking about folks who both like & comment and are trying to keep the friendship alive; but folks whose brains are firing a few synapses short... I'm actually thinking of a certain person in particular, and she has always been a few neurons short, but whatever.
And in thinking about it, I realized how much this could apply to me and a certain friend that I almost never talk to. I'd like to think our relationship, however, is stronger than that and blame business and life on the fact that we don't talk as much as we used to anymore. I actually sorta wish I knew one way or the other...

The weather of late had been bothering me too-fortunately now its warm again and going to stay that way. The week of 90* and then into the 30's overnight... like to killed me. I was talking to one of my coworkers not that long ago and she chuckled when I said that I liked warm weather because none of my joints hurt. True story-arthritis and cold weather suuuuuuck.

Hmm... what else... I got verbally attacked the other day for answering what I thought was an honest question. Silly me. Oh well, "to forgive is divine"... or something.
On the same note, I also love folks who jump to conclusions without knowing the whole story. At that point I can only hope that when the story is told to them, they change their opinion.

I'm trying to work on some stuff that will change me for the better, but hopefully will change our whole situation and make life better for the kids and our family. I have worries and stress about it, but I can't help but wonder why it wouldn't work out since it is actually a rational, more-than-theoretical way of thinking.
And I came across an old blog the other day where I promised a friend something... maybe through my current avenue I can not only do for myself & my family, but keep my promise.

And last, but not least, I don't guess...

Friday, October 21, 2011

This, That & the Other

That is a way I have often referred to the kids... also to call them "Frick, Frack & Freda", which I got from an old coworker at Alternatives. They're also "Thing 1 & Thing 2" in any combination-the big girls, the little kids, it doesn't matter.
I have a lot in my cluttered mind today, so likely this blog will be here, there & everywhere.

I am missing a black sheep from Littlest Pet Shop. I have found some of the missing toys and I even set them on a shelf so they wouldn't get lost again, and then a cat sat on the shelf and the stuff is in the floor. Fart.

I put in an application for Bath & Body Works today to try and get a Seasonal job. While I was there I "sampled" the Secret Wonderland. Oh, how I miss my Secret Wonderland. We still haven't found it, despite Jason having gone through the trash. /sigh, maybe Santa will bring me some for Christmas. Not like NEED more perfume; especially when you think about kids in our country who won't get even a Christmas dinner because its all they can do to keep the heat on through the winter. Really gives pause to thinking about "too much" and what we really "need".

I have this blog in one window on my computer and "Bend It Like Beckham" in another window. Another not-so-guilty "guilty pleasure". I SO want to go to England, but I feel about that the way I felt about going to some other places the first time-don't take me, I might not come home. I wonder what it would be like to live in London. I have a minor obsession with British Indians. One of the girls I used to work with at Alternatives is British Indian, and with her name and her features, the first time she opened her mouth I was not expecting a British accent.

I was driving to pick up Alex & Bub yesterday and designing (in my mind) the mother's ring I want. Except I don't want it to just be a mother's ring. I want it to be a "family ring" and incorporate Jason's & my birthstones too. So how to get four kid's stones set with two diamonds to make the perfect ring...? But wait, shouldn't the ring wait until after I'm sure we're done having kids? Yeah, probably.
We have four healthy kids. Yes, Mimi is a Diabetical (as a friend of mine says), but she's healthy overall. Somebody I know through FaceBook is celebrating his son's first birthday today, only his son passed away last Spring. Another friend of a friend is talking about how she's going to get through this Christmas, because her infant daughter passed away at the end of last winter. I read a link from a photography site today about an infant boy who was born with a very rare defect, and he probably won't live past being three months old.
So why the hell are Jason & I so special? Why do we get the healthy kids and other people have to suffer with their babies dying? To quote something I read earlier, "I will never understand why babies have to die."

So... for anybody who doesn't know, I started a self-made diet & exercise program. The hardest things for me are, well, all of it. I struggle with  my eating habits, because if you know me, you know I am a total stress-eater. I get angry, sad, upset, frustrated, disappointed, etc., and I want to eat. And likely eat junk food. I have been exercising the past three days and that feels fantastic. I actually DO feel better than I have, so maybe if I keep exercising the diet will sort of fall into place. I am noticing that the more water I have been drinking, the more water I want. I suppose that's a good thing-the more water I drink, the less hungry I am.
I thought about all of my past attempts at weight loss. I wish I could get in the kind of shape I was in when I was in college. Then I was grousing about size 8 pants being big. /sigh
But I could do 400 situps in one shot, run miles at a time, do 2 hours of aerobics. Right now I don't know what size pants I wear, because I refuse to measure, I jogged 3 minutes yesterday on the Wii-Fit and like to died, and I can barely do 20 minutes of aerobics.
We bought the Wii-Fit and used it for a while, then stopped for some reason, probably because we got sick. So last year I bought a Jillian Michaels DVD and used it for a while, then stopped because we came down to Alabama on vacation and then when we got back to Connecticut we immediately transitioned into moving-mode.
I try to quietly watch what I eat and to exercise when the kids aren't around. The kids should see me being healthy and exercising a little bit, but they shouldn't see the obsessive-quality it takes on. My father always exercised when I was a kid and I think that might be part of the reason I have a problem with body image. I think the other part of it is just being a woman. I just don't want it to be a "thing" for our kids. The older two girls already have some things going against them, especially with Mimi being a Diabetical.

What's next? I sent a letter to Mimi & Liz today asking them for their Christmas list (for the 3rd time). I made it as easy as possible this time... I wrote each of their names at the top of a piece of paper, enclosed a self-addressed, pre-stamped envelope so all they have to do is fill out the papers, put them in the envelope and put the envelope in the box. No writing addresses, no stressing about getting a stamp. All done. Hopefully now we'll get their Christmas lists from them.

I have lost my want to read right now. I wish I had more of the Harry Bosch books. I want to reread them but don't feel like being arsed by the library. They're on my Christmas list, and truthfully about all I really want, other than a bottle of Secret Wonderland and the kids to have a great Christmas and not realize that they go without. I think that's one of the measures of a good parent; if you can get by for your kids without them realizing they go without, you're doing a good job.

What else? I have Mel C's "I Turn To You" in my head. And Jonathan Rhys-Meyers is hot. And my husband knows I think that, so I feel no guilt in writing it.
I guess I need to check the paper I started at work the other day to see what else I wanted to blog about.

The last subject is... Becky.
I have it, through a good source, that my suspicions were confirmed. She isn't friends with Mimi on FaceBook... her own child. Not MY child, if you listen to Becky, but HER child. Why? Good question that she never really answered. She did, however, say that it wasn't because she talks crap about me & Jason and doesn't want Mimi to say. Yeah, well, I call bullshit on that. I've seen some of the stuff she has written, and if the girls saw it, it would completely ruin her argument that she is better than we are because she "doesn't talk about us on FaceBook". Haha, yeah, okay.
The girls, reportedly, told her everything that Jason and I (mostly I) said over the summer. I went on one really good tirade in their hearing and I am somewhat ashamed of that. All of these years it has been Becky & her folks that have gone on about me & Jason in front of the girls and Jason & I have done it in private. I guess it got on my last nerve at the wrong time.
I think the other part of it too is that I think the girls are at the age where they can handle some of the truth. And I told them that. Mimi asked to read some stuff and I let her; there are some things I didn't let her read and I won't until she's older. And then there are some things the girls will never know. Ever. Unless of course Becky tells them, but I don't know why she would because it won't make her look favorable.
Anyhow, I know I apologized in the moment to the two of them, for losing my temper. I'm sure I didn't apologize for what I said, just for the fact that they had to hear it. She is their mother, regardless. I'm just glad it didn't damage the relationship I have tried so hard to make all these years with them.
I realized, too, after they left, that we spent the majority of our time focused on where Mimi wanted to live, because she is the older and she would be the "deciding vote", as it were. But this year coming, Lizzie will be 12 (yikes!) and it might be will be high time to ask for and try to honor her opinion.

I think I'm done writing for now...
I have to go pick up the kids in about a half-hour. Alex has decided that her new favorite thing is to ride the bus to daycare and go to the "big kids' room" for a while, so she gets all bent out of shape if I get there to pick her up too early. She likes to have a snack and do a coloring project  (while the big-big kids are doing their homework). So, okay. Its not any big deal to me to go a half-hour later, and Bubba doesn't seem to mind any either.
And truthfully, I enjoy the quiet time at home for a couple hours. It lets me get stuff done like this... and I suppose do some housework as well. There's laundry to do (of course) and dishes. I read a very interesting blog earlier about how to control your laundry before it controls you. Definitely some good points.

As always, feel free to comment here or on FaceBook. Love y'all.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Random Rambler

So... after again finishing the last Harry Potter book, I feel like I felt before. There was absolutely no need to bump off Hedwig, and if she wanted to kill a Weasley, it should have been Percy. I also hate that Mad-Eye and Lupin had to go, but I like that she left Lupin's son orphaned. Gives her somewhere to go if she wants to write a second series.
Rereading the books also makes me wish I was a wizard. There are some people I'd love to cast a couple of Unforgivable Curses on. Or maybe not the Unforgivables, since I don't want to go to Azkaban... but I can think of a couple of other uncomfortable ones.

Its Summer in Alabama-been in the 90s here lately, which  means work is the sub-Arctic and home isn't much better. Jason gets too hot too quick, and then starts to feel sick, Bless him, so we keep it cool. But then I freeze. I actually have to take clothes OFF to go outside. I wish Sebastian would get used to Play Water again-he loved it last year. Not this year.

This will be a short work week because of the Memorial Day holiday yesterday. Next week is normal, then the following week we have Counselor Camp. The week after that, we go on "vacation", and the week after that is the last week of June. This month is also going to sail by like its something to do. Then I'm going to blink and it will be Alex's first day of Kindergarten, Lizzie's first day of Middle School, Mimi's first day of High School... yikes! Then it will be Christmas and time to start the whole bloody process all over again.

Pray for us when we go to CT, that court goes well. That it isn't too much of a hassle. I'm not going to say more than that, because I recently asked Mimi if she thought I was too negative about her mother and she said yes! I was a little befuttled, considering some of the things she used to say. I told her was that I didn't want my reasons (what I felt were sound reasons) to come off as excuses to her, so all I was saying at that moment was that there is stuff she doesn't know yet and that I don't do anything unprovoked. And I left it at that. I hope that was the right answer.
Jason is looking forward to sitting down with her and having a talk when the girls come down. A real talk. It should be a good night.

We have actually been getting a good bit done lately. Cleaned the kitchen, did a mess of dishes, cleaned the bathroom, cleaned ALEX'S ROOM (the girls' room)... What a project that was! It took me three days to get it to the point of her being able to get back in there. But the toys are organized, her clothes are all in her closet (still need to organize),  her books are in the shelves (still need to organize); but its definitely coming alone.

I am not going to dwell on it, but money sucks. Makes the world go 'round, to be sure; but also is undeniably the root of all evil. I'm tired of trying to figure out how to make a car payment, keep the lights on and feed the kids all in the same month. I'm also tired of being financially responsible. I know we need to be, because we need to get our credit scores back up, but I'm SO sick of it. I'm tired of having to budget every bill, to drive for a day with the gas light on. I'd really like to be able to just pay a bill when it comes in, to put gas in the truck when it gets low. The worst part of it is having to tell the kids no when they ask for a toy or to go to McDonalds. Makes me feel like a lousy parent.
Along those lines, I'm struggling with getting a cat sitter for the time we are on vacation. To get one or not? I think that if we buy a big bag of cat food, open it up and then get some of those dispenser-water bottles for them, they'll be okay. They'll be fine without their litter getting changed, too; albeit the house will be a bit smelly when we get back, but that's okay. I think I'd rather spend the money in the short run and get the water things (maybe it will keep them from spilling everywhere every-flippin-time) then spend God-knows-what on a pet sitter.

Its getting on to bedtime for the kids and maybe Jason & I are then going to watch "Harry Potter and the Prisioner of Azkaban". It is one of my favorite movies because I like Lupin. I like the boggart and the "riddikulus". Makes me wonder what a boggart would turn into for me.

Jason is working on his resume right now. We had a discussion last night about resumes and getting better jobs and things of that nature. We have decided that we are going to expand our horizons outside of the state of Alabama. I don't think know if we will get something outside of the state without living in that particular place first, but we also figure it can't hurt.
I hate to say that it no longer matters where we live... but its the truth. We can live in Alabama, Arizona, California... it doesn't really matter anymore. Visitation here is visitation there is visitation anywhere. Mimi has said that she is "fine" where she is and doesn't know what she wants, I think. I don't remember her exact verbage but that was the gist. I am trying very hard not to "put words in her mouth" as she has accused me of doing.
Truth be told, we haven't asked Lizzie where she wants to live. We always assumed that Mimi was the one that wanted to live with us, as she has been (for the last 8 years) the most vocal about it. Lizzie has only here recently started saying she wants to be with us. So I don't know, we should ask her. I quite heartily apologize for the fact that I didn't think of that sooner. Bad me.
I do know, however, that it will be hard to get Lizzie without Mimi, harder than getting Mimi without Lizzie. I think that them being separated for a period of time probably wouldn't be bad for either of them. Maybe Mimi would get out some of her aggression in a healthy way; and Lizzie, I think, is a different person all underneath who we "see". I wonder what she is like without Mimi's shadow. We might get to find out this summer, as Mimi apparently has "required" band camp. That being the case, we are going to try and keep Lizzie down here with us while Mimi goes back for band camp.
I also definitely, definitely know, that no matter what, I have loved and treated those girls as my own since they were small, and that aint gonna change. Ever. <3 Mimi <3 Lizzie <3

I think I'm done... I started this yesterday and I think I have hit every point I meant to. I have a migraine today so I'm not thinking clearly. I have to go pack up the kids-they're spending the next two nights with Jacquie, and unfortunately getting subjected to "Bible school". Ugh.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Culinary Bucket List

As promised... round two.

1.Bronzeback Cafe/360 Grille-Florence
2.Cafe Du Monde-New Orleans
3. Deep Dish pizza in Chicago
4. Chicago hot dog in Chicago
5. Church's Chicken
6. Dyer's Burgers, Memphis
7. El Pollo Loco
8. Gulf shrimp at Gulf Shores
9. Gus' Fried Chicken, Memphis
10. Heart Attack Grill
11. Hollywood Cafe, Mississippi
12. In & Out Burger
13. Katz's Deli, NYC
14. McDonald's in NYC-the expensive one
15. Peter Luger's Steaks, NYC
16. Primanti Brothers, Pittsburgh
17. Rendezvous Ribs, Memphis (we've had the food, but I want to go there to eat it)
18. Varsity, Atlanta
19. Willie Mae's Scotch House, New Orleans
20. Wing It, Buffalo